28/90

Today is the end of my 28th day out of my 90-day probationary period as a full-time Stay-at-home Mom and Home Toddler/Preschool Teacher. 


It's been a good month--generally easy-going, busy, interesting, surprising, frightening, and sometimes stressful (but not as stressful as my previous job). I've had the opportunity to watch my kids closely, to observe their responses to new activities, to observe their adjustment to not being at the Center anymore. I've had the opportunity to learn about and from them every single day, and to try to learn from my mistakes on a daily basis. 


At this point, Aislin now misses her friends (except Lola, who used to hit her) and her teacher at the Center, but says she still enjoys having Preschool at home with Desmond and me. 


Des says a few more words now than before (although, admittedly, I can't tell if being at home has helped him with that or if he was learning words just fine at the Center and I just didn't know because I wasn't with him...and the few hours I spent with him after work weren't enough for him to say all that he had learned to say). 


As for me, my biggest issues have been with Aislin. In the past month I've learned that she does better in a group of peers, and as long as they're at her developmental level, she's satisfied. It's been difficult for her to follow directions or show interest in our lesson plans because she doesn't have kids her age to follow or get excited with. So I've tried to make up for that by giving her more responsibility, like letting her help with Group Time; however, that hasn't improved her behavior during other times of the day. 


I've tried being consistent, stern yet fair when disciplining my daughter. According to my husband, I may have been too fair. "You need to spank her!" had been his suggestion. But I've chosen to take the diplomatic route in disciplining our children, especially now that we've blended home and school; and the result has been...frightening. She has thrown fits like I've never seen from her--the kind that have her tremble with rage, and where she threatens to hit or kick me by repeatedly making the gestures. 


When these fits occur, I can't help but lament over the girl she had been when she was at the Center. Although she had thrown fits at home, or even on the walk across the parking lot from her classroom to our car, she had generally displayed a lot of maturity that I had never seen from her before. She easily made friends outside of the Center because she knew how to socialize and behave appropriately, and the anxiety of being around new people had greatly diminished...before I removed her from the Center.


Can you hear my lamentation? 


"What about that preschool co-op idea?" you ask. I had thought about it a lot, wracked my brains trying to think of kids who weren't already in a co-op or in daycare, and I tried to imagine teaching a co-op, even with just one other child, but I couldn't. I got too scared. The thought of being responsible for teaching someone else's child intimidates me. 


"Well, what now?" you must be wondering. Well, today I had an interview for a PART-TIME position at a child care center near my house. My hope is to get an afternoon shift and not work more than 30 hours a week. My hope is to have the mornings off so that Aislin can still go to ballet on Mondays, we three can still go to the park when it's warm, and we can still have play dates. 


My hope is that I won't have to give up my whole day with my children to give them something I can't provide at home.